The Light in the Dark

黑暗里的光线

It had been a long time since I have been here, re-reading posts that I have made. I realised I have come a long way, a long long way indeed.

I have not once, not twice, not even thrice but many times in my life found myself within a darkness I cannot escape. No windows, no doors...But I believe in God and His miracles as well as myself. A ray of light appears in the darkness, waiting patiently for me to approach it, to bask in it.

I have found a ray of light in the darkness that had trapped me. It reminded me of the story of the Pandora's Box, when the box was open, all had escaped... except hope. And with Hope, I have gained a ray of light that had ever since been the guiding light in my life.

Many times in life, we find ourselves trapped in a corner in the dark but God will always, ALWAYS bring a ray of light into your life. Find it, use it and get yourself out of the darkness.

We fear the dark for we fear the unknown, God will never get rid of the unknown but you can keep it at bay and you can turn it into the known. Life is a journey of discovery. And be positive in it. You only have one life. Live it.

A hard feeling...

It is not that I am someone who craves for money, I am just someone who hope and wishes that my family would have enough to use without having to worry whether we will get through the month with enough money to start the next.

I have many concerns and many things that I cannot solve. I try my best and I know God recognizes my efforts and lessen my burdens. When I see how other could use their money without a care in the world, I feel envious. I envy them, they may worry about it later but they could always ask their parents for more if they had overuse. No such thing exist in my family.

I want to be released from worrying about money, about whether I would have enough money to eat tomorrow or whether I have money to pay rent. I want so many stuff yet cannot have them. I look at them, and turn to the price, I walk away. I cannot afford stuff like that.

Now that there's an assignment that requires me to use up to RM100 just to get credit for it, I would be left with no money at all. How can I ask for money? When my family has so little to use? I am in a dilemma. I feel very deprived and sad and I really really really want to cry.

There has always been ways for me to solve my problems, I always stay postive. Who knows? There's always a silver lining in those dark clouds that hover over me. No matter how many times I cry, how many times I feel like giving up....I have to tell myself. There are others worse off than you.

In this world there are 3 types of people, those who have nothing, those who have everything and those who are in between. When you have nothing, there's nothing to lose. When you have everything, there's nothing to worry. It's when you're in between that you have something to lose and things to worry.

I am not strong. But I'll live.

I Finally Figure Out Why

I had not been sleeping well this morning and my wandered to a corner I had not visited for a long, long time. I realised that my inability to let go of something has a few reasons.

1st:
The person who was involved with the 'something' is a constant reminder of how stupid and foolish I once were and this keep the incident fresh in mind everytime I see him.

2nd:
The reasons used to break off our relationship was so ridiculuous that my pride and ego has been hurt badly.

3rd:
And lastly, I shun the memories I have with him and of him....It makes me shiver...and I feel dirty..

I understand that every memory is something precious and that I should cherish it but at the moment, I feel disgusted at how I had become during that time of my life. Maybe one day, I'll come to cherish it as an everlasting memory of something that taught me to stand up tall and walk the road of life again.

Rings and Their Meaning, To me

Stainless Steel Ring

A stainless steel ring, is stainless, just like a new relationship. It shines moderately with determination and simplicity but is easily scratch, like a new relationship, it is stainless but easily affected by simple obstacles that scratches the surface of the relationship.

Silver Ring

A silver ring, shines when one wears the ring. If one does not wear the ring, it will start to turn darker in colour. Like a relationship that has reached the second stage, it needs to be maintain and place close to heart so that the relationship will not turn stale like an old silver ring.

Gold Ring

A gold ring, shines and is stainless. When a relationship has ripen, it is like a gold ring. True love, true sacrife and true perserverance. A gold ring is like a relationship whereby the couple is willing and will walk the road together till the end of time.

My relationship, is still a baby. A stainless steel ring adorns my right hand, I hope one day, a gold ring will adorn my right hand when the time is right.

There are times...

I wonder...

There are times I wonder if you'll know what I am thinking without me telling you.

There are times I want to tell you some things but yet, hesitate because I don't think I should.

There are times I want something from you but I dare not say it out for fear I am asking too much from you

There are times I will space out, in my mind wondering, whether you'll notice that my mood had gone down.

There are times I know what you're thinking about, but are there times you know what I am thinking about?

There are times, recently I notice there are less kisses from you, I know what it is that you fear...I wonder if you know what I am fearing now?

There are times when I can't help but hug you because my heart feels cold.

There are times that the smile I give in front of you, it isn't real, do you know?

There are times when 'I'm fine' means 'I'm not alright, I just dont want you to worry.'

There are times I wonder if I was thinking too much, I know I have...

But am I really?

人生的一个困难

我不懂得该如何。。。
我懂您担心。。。
我懂您觉得我会给人骗。。
但我很想相信，我做这个决定是没错的。。。
我很想试试看。。。我和他，能走多久，多远。。。
未来我们都不知道会发生什么事。。
我的心，跟我说，喜欢就喜欢。。。
我很想您给我机会，给他机会，真明给您看。可以吗？

我知道您疼我。。。
我也很爱很爱您。。。
您说的一切，
对我来说。。。
是世界的一切。。。
我真的懂，您说的一切。。。
但是。。。
可以不要否认我的努力吗？

这一次。。。给我，给他。。机会吧。。。

C.E.Soon

Is she wrong?

Boy:I broke up with her.

His Best Friend:What happened?

Boy:She’s just too much for me. ...

His Best Friend:What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy:Well, ...for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..

His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..

Boy:Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink much. She’s so clingy!

His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

Boy:But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!

His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

Boy:I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her.

His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

Boy:Well, she....

His Best Friend:You broke up with her because she just wanna be a good one for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. And I just heard that you found a new one whom just came into your life recently, so that made you simply break your girlfriend's heart just like that? Are you sure that, that girl is real good? Not because of illusion? Are you proud?

Boy:I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?

His Best Friend:You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened...

 Credits: A friend, from a friend of friend etc~ Anon.

问题出现了。。。

上了Degree的苦：问题出现了！

 我有个朋友。。。让我很想跟他讲这些话。。。

跟你讲话好苦。。讲那样又不是，讲这样又不是！你到底要怎样！？

讲一下话，又开始吵了~人家又没有要跟你吵~！是你自己，讲一点，又不讲一点。。。讲话讲好来啦！！！！气死我了！

你人很奇怪~你不让我知道你人是怎样，那我就只能猜,但是你又讲我assume你人是如何....你到底要我怎样？==！！

是你自己对事不问不问的。。。真的不想跟你讲任何关于我的事情。。。==讲给你听你又不里，不讲。。。你又不会想人家的感受讲话。。。气死我了！！！

算了。。。算了。。。不要讲那个死笨蛋。。。== 讲他就气。。。

另一个问题。。。==干吗我身边的人都奇奇怪怪的？讲话。。。没想过。。。做事情。。。也没想好。。。== 还是我自己有问题？

New Beginning~

Ah~it's nearly the end of the first trimester in degree~ Hahaha~~been such long time since I updated this blog. There isn't much in my life now except studies~ I just love my course.

I did like someone but I gave up because there was just too much tears to begin with..XD He annoys me, irritates me and is such a pain in the neck. My heart was messed up because of him. He is the first person I have difficulty in understanding and communicating, due to this I have even doubted my abilities in socializing with others.

I admit I am still a tiny bit fond of him because there are times I thought of him but it was too much trouble and too much pain to even put him in a position that matters because I once did and I cried nearly every day and he wasn't worth the agony but he is worth the hardship in trying to be friends with him.

So I have yet to like anyone in degree and right now I just want to focus on myself and my studies which interests me and is an excitement to me~ Because being an student is worth all the stress! XD

Hahahah~~thats all for now~~XD

C.E.Soon

Hohoho~

I am back from the slumps and is standing tall again!~ It's all in the past...Though I admit I still care about him a little...because he was once a person I loved. There is no hate in my heart, no annoyance...just...*sigh* Hahahaha~

Going to degree soon and I am anticipating it every single day!! Well I do still have my finals to deal with...From the 25th of April till the 29th of April and then I AM FREE~~~for 3 weeks that is, then I have to return to Kampar for Orientation Week....attendance is compulsory....@.@

These days I'm kind of addicted to a song from Burlesque sung by Cher,'You haven't seen the last of me'. I love it! Really gets you motivated!!~~XD

On this day...

On this day of forgiveness and love, I have finally understood the truth in the things that had happened and on this Christmas Eve, I have indeed been enlightened.

有爱才会有恨，
有恨才会有痛，
有痛就会有苦，
但也因为有苦才会得到真正的幸福。

我们人一直在爱与恨之间流浪，
明明是爱却要恨,也因此痛苦一生。

真爱难求，
但是来了，
想忘也忘不了，
想放也放不下。

虽然，
爱已经不在手里，
但就留在心里，
只能往前走，
慢慢的等待爱回来。

我们人因为爱而痛苦，
也因为爱才幸福。
人也因为有爱才能活下去。

人往往选择留在痛苦之中，
但我们也不要忘了，
不要因为不能在一起而伤心，痛哭和难过，
反而要为了曾经在一起过而开心。

I will stand up again...

I still love you and will most probably love you always, I don't know when I'll stop loving you...but I believe that the you that loves me will come back to me. Now I will love myself and show you that I deserve your love and deserve to love you.

I really miss you and wishes you well...I would not ask you accompany me or be there for me because for that to happen I have to accompany myself and be there for myself...I am sorry I cannot be there for you...

Dear,I will wait for you to come back to me, I believe you still love me because you love me. And I will always love you because I love you.

I will stand up again and be the person you love again.

我又来了。。。

我已经不知道要写些什么了。。。我昨晚send了email给你，send了过后很后悔，因为写了我不应该让你知道的一些事情。。。我今天很怕你读了会很生气我，很幸运的你没读。我只能叫你把那些email delete掉。

我很希望你不会去看那些email，我也觉得你是不会看的。我今天的心情还ok但是在ecs的时候，有点擦，但是过后我能冷静下来，没有做些傻事。还能很靠近你。。。我想到已经开心了~哈哈~我已经很容易开心了。。。

今晚，有pasar malam,已经很久没跟你拖着手一起去，今天遇上了一个日本人，不小心跟他讲了日本话。。。很想你在我身边，很想你关心我，很想你在乎我。。。如此希望，及时才能实现？

你对我冷漠，是不是因为你还在生气我？还是，你要逼我放手？还是你要教我怎样自己一个人？还是你要教训我？还是。。。你已经不爱我了？哈哈~没可能。。。因为。。。你没说过。

在pasar malam买了东西吃，吃到很饱，想起了你，以前一起吃东西，吃不完的你吃。。。弄到你长肥了，但是你怎样吃都不会胖。。。哈哈~很怀念哦~

再晚一点我要去看流星雨了，很想你陪我看，那也是没可能的。。。你好好照顾你自己，别让自己累坏。。。

爱你的
C.E

又是开心的一天。。。

我还以为今天只能早上见到你，没想到我们下午的时候又能见，还能很好的讲话，你放你的手在我脸上的时候，我真的真的很开心~！哈哈~我想起都开心了。。。我这几天想了很多事情，不是什么坏事，我星期天晚上，睡前，很想你，真的真的很想你，然后心里痛到我快要受不了，但是我突然想到未来。

我想到的未来，很开心，很幸福，我想要我想到的未来，我就要乖乖的，不要让你担心，让你伤心。然后好像魔术那么的神奇，我突然没有很辛苦的感觉，反而觉得很开心，很期待未来。我是不是很奇怪了？哈哈，这就是你爱的爱茵。

时间表的事，你一定很烦恼，因为我很想跟你同时间，但你妈妈。。。*叹气*就让你很为难，我不想你难做，所以就决定要用你的时间还有侍薇的时间，弄个新的。。。那就不会跟你的一样，也可以跟大姐有些一样啊~我是不是很聪明呢？XD

你不要担心我，我会照顾好我自己，不会让你心痛。但是我还是想跟你住在同一个屋子，那晚上我至少还能见到你，晚餐我可以煮给你吃。。。我想到已经很开心~但是我也懂，事情没那么容易。一切都会好转的，你别太担心，还是伤心的，因为，我相信，以后的日子会好过一点。

爱你的C.E.Soon

美好的一天。。。

今天我们有考试，很开心可以看见你，你也没什么得跟我说话，星期天那天，我sms了你，很怕你会不高兴。很开心你，没生气我，也没避开我。今天我跟我们的朋友，说了，很想跟你同班，同时间表，但是他却说，你不想跟我同班，我心很痛，然后我记得你叫我，不要乱乱想东西，所以，如果可以的话，我很想很想跟你同班~

其实，今天ms k问我，“Why is your boyfriend in front?”我只能笑，然后给点害羞的反应，过后又遇上老师，才跟老师说，我们已经分手了。当老师说你是我男朋友时，我真的真的很开心，很想老师一直误会下去，因为我很想做你的女朋友，有时候有想过，如果一切都稳定下来了，我们是不是可以像我们的两个朋友，走地下情呢？但是我觉得你是不会那样做的。。。

我一个人在我们平常，过二人世界的地方坐，想到以前的快乐时光。我很想你哦~你有想我吗？我很后悔为什么你叫我宝贝，情爱的，老婆，dear还有darling的时候，没有叫回你，老公。现在已经没这个机会叫了。。。

老公，我很想你。很想你过来我这里，很想抱直你，很想很想做很多东西。但是我答应过你，我会乖乖的，所以你别担心，我慢慢会习惯的啦。

我爱你。

PS: 刚才我跟诗微讲话，递到我们下个学期的时间表，如果我们不能够有一样时间表的话，至少能的话，我们的tutorial可以一样。。。我希望是能。。。我会求上天给你一条出路。。。

其实。。。

其实，我很想找你聊天，想跟你说，我很想你，但是又怕你不开心。我知道你知道我想你，因为你比任何人都了解我。我今天很可怕，我居然骂我弟弟，没理由的骂了他，我不知道为什么我会那样。我真的需要改了，你有想我吗？

对不起，我忍不足，才会sms你，我真的很想你，你明天才回去金宝是吗？很想见你，很想听你说话。我已经决定，只有在星期五才能sms你，因为我不想给压力你，不想你觉得我烦。今天做的事情，不多，只在看电视，玩电脑。。。一直都在想你。

我晚一点就要会金宝了，没有你在的日子，我会好好的过。我答应过你，我会好好读书，不会乱乱想东西，我说得到，做得到。希望下个学期还能见到你，如果你不想见到我，也要找到人陪你，别一个人孤孤单单的。我看到心会很痛，如果你恨我，你还是在爱我，因为，有爱才会有恨。我爱你，很想清口对你说，这三个字，不知道，你会有什么反应呢。。。

很对不起，不能清口告诉你我的感觉，我没有乱乱想事情，只不想你觉压力，因为我比任何人还要怕你会选择放弃一切，离开学院。你千万千万不要选择哪条路，因为，你会后悔一生，恨我一辈子。

最后，我想说，我爱你。

又想你了。。。

星期五那天，我们有两个presentation，我很开心因为你很真常的跟我说话，很开心因为你会主动跟我说话，我真的真的开心了一阵天。最好笑的是，我居然很容易的开心，哈哈，在四点五十一分我send了一封讯息给你，“路上小心”，然后你很简单的回答我，“Oh...”我已经很开心，很开心，笑了一阵天~

我们sociolization presentation的时候，我很开心因为可以站在你的身旁，很靠近的，感觉得到你的春在，只要能远远的看见你，我已经很开心了。我们下个学期，可以同班吗？

今天，我起来，我又想起你了，你醒了吗？一定还没起来的啦，因为你在家一定睡到十二点多。^^ 你很可爱哦~哈哈。虽然我不知道你对我的感觉是爱还是恨，但是我知道我是爱你的，就足够了。诗微她隆了一个时间表，很希望你会跟，因为很想跟你同时间，可以每天看直你。

我很想抱你。。很想你抱一抱我，很久没有感觉到很安全，很舒服，很幸福。。。你睡了吧？好好睡，希望你发个好梦。。。我爱你

我想对你说的话。

你忙吗？
可以听我讲话吗？
我可以自私一下吗？
我想跟你说，我很想你，
我想跟你说，这几天我有哭，
我想跟你说，我打电话给你，是因为我很想听到你的声音，
我想对你说声对不起，因为我伤害了你那么多次，
我想跟你说，我其实不知道我应该怎样面对你，
我想对你说我想对自己残忍一点，因为我很怕我会说错话，做错事，
我想对你说声对不起，因为我的任性，我的固执还有我的不懂事让你很辛苦，
我想对你说，我很嫉妒全部人，以为他们可以很容易得跟你说话，
我想跟你说，其实我很怕我自己，
我想跟你说，那时候有说过我不相信别人不是不相信你，其实我是不相信我自己，
我不相信，居然有男生会喜欢我这样的女孩，
我也不相信我可以留直你对我的心，
我想跟你说，没了你我很孤单，
这二十年来，我一直都是一个人，但你的出现让我感觉到有人在我身边的快乐还有安心，
我想对你说多一次，我很想你，
还有，我想对你说，我爱你。

很对不起，我不懂得怎样去爱你，
我们分手了，我看到了自己的任性，不懂事还有你的忍耐，
谢谢你，我真的真的很爱你，
你叫我放手，很对不起，我做不到。

很开心的一天。。。

今天虽然我很累，也很辛苦因为身体不舒服但是一到晚上我就很开心，因为我能看见你。我在演戏的时候，我一直看你，因为我想知道你到底有没有注意到我，也因为我很想看到你，我看直你笑，看直你开心，我心里面真的真的很开心。我好像再一次爱上你了，因为当我看到你的时候我很紧张，心开始跳到很快。

今天晚上，我很期待你的出现，很期待你到我家来，因为你已经很久没来我家了，我真的很怀念你在我家倒流的时光，我看到你来的时候，我真的真的很开心，我看到你对我笑的时候我心里面有一种，很奇妙的感觉，很开心，很快乐，很期待你下一起的出现。但是我不知道我们下个学期还能相见吗。。。

我发现我比以前爱你跟加深了，我看到你走的时候，我心里很痛，很痛，很想哭，很想你多留一下，我看直你的背影，看直你走，我已经没有理由要你留下来了，以前，我不需要理由，但是现在已经不同了。

当天，我跟你在电话聊天的时候，我有问过你，"你还爱我吗？"，但是你答我，“我现在不知道我爱你还是恨你。。。”那时候我心真的碎了，我很怕很怕，你会讨厌我。但是我，那时候，没有哭，因为我比你恨我还要怕的，是你离开我，是我永远都不能再远远看直你。所以我才对你说，“我不管你爱我还是恨我，不管你关不关心我，也不管你在不在乎我，我只希望你不会选择放弃一切，离开这里，因为我很清楚你的梦想是什么”，我真的真的很怕，你会选择离开，虽然我承认我是很怕你会讨厌我，但是我也很肯定的说，你是爱我的，因为，当我问你我不应该做些什么，你才不会离开，你说，“你现在可以做的，只有好好读书，不要乱乱想东西，”我记得我问你，“我可以sms你吗？”然后你回答我，你不知道我会send什么给你所以你不知道你自己会想些什么，做些什么。我其实很想很想sms你，想知道你到底在做什么，想知道你最近开心吗，快乐吗。。。但是我不敢，因为我很怕你不会不走。

我刚刚读了一本书，里面写了，“人是因为自己的想法所造成的，人想了什么，他就变什么”。我看到这句的时候，我想到了我自己，我想那些有的没的，就造成了今天的结果。所以现在我只会想开心的，positive的东西，因为我相信我想的都会发生的。

我爱你
你也爱我
我们是会在一起
我们是会有未来
我们会很开心
我们能长长久久的
我很爱你
你很爱我。

我知道好像在发白日梦，但是这些都是真的。只要你相信，只要我们过了这一关，我们就能长长久久，你要相信我们是能做得到的，因为相信就是力量。

最后，我想说，我很爱很爱你，我每天都想你，每天都会想我们的事，我会把以前带来未来。相信我吧，我也相信你，你也要相信你自己。

C.E.Soon

我想。。。

我真的想好好的爱你，
但是我却不懂，
你可以教教我吗？

我很想跟你讲话，
谈我们的事情，
我不知道，
我该怎样做才是对的。

我知道，
是我的不好，
我的不懂事，
让你很想辛苦，
我不想你辛苦。

我会改，
我会让我自己，
懂事，
你可以支持我吗？

我知道，
你是没可能看，
我所写了的心底话，
因为你从来没有看过，
我的blog..

我很想，
很想，
对你说声，
我爱你。